She Will Be Loved
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: A vulnerable Maddy faces a life changing moment.
1. Chapter 1

**She Will Be Loved.**

**(I don't own anything. I'm just playing in the Holby universe. Good times!)**

I'm bleeding. Oh god I'm bleeding. This shouldn't be happening. It's not supposed to happen. There it is though, blood, spots of it in my shorts when there shouldn't be any. Oh god. I don't know what to do.

The walls of the cubicle seem to be closing in on me and I can feel tears burning hotly behind my eyes like acid. I feel so helpless. I feel so scared. I didn't think I would be scared. I didn't think I was ready anyway. I thought I was too young, that it was too early on in my career. I didn't think I could go through with this and I truly didn't know if I wanted it. But I left it even though some part of me was telling me to end it before I got too attached. I just couldn't make a snap decision even though part of me wanted it all to go away. I would never have forgiven myself if I'd have made the wrong choice. Now it looks like fate has taken the decision out of my hands. Fate has brought the blood that I've just found. It's taking away the last little piece of Dan that I have in my life, and it's only now that I seem to be losing it that I realise I do want it after all.

My hands start to shake and I have to sit down as my body starts to convulse with sobs. I need help. I need to tell someone. I can't move. I just pull up my shorts and trousers and pull my knees to my chest and let the tears come. Why can't I bring myself to get help? I need know what's going on inside of me. It's where my baby should be safe, but it's as if I'm paralysed. All I can see over and over again is the blood. Oh god, why is there blood?

My baby. How weird is that to say? Where my baby should be safe. I always wanted children. Ever since I was a teenager I've been broody. I've also been playful and done irresponsible things. I've chosen a career which at times seems to leave no room for anything else, let alone a child. If anyone had asked me if I thought that I could have brought a baby into the world at this particular moment in time I would have said hell no. There's way too much that I want to do first.

I have in the past wanted children so badly. When Sunny was born the urge to have a child of my own was even stronger. I've always been the kind of person who sees a baby and finds herself considering how I'd cope during pregnancy or holding my baby for the first time, but I've never really felt ready for it. As much as I wanted it I knew in a way that I was too selfish. I had too much of my life to live first. It was something that wasn't going to happen. Not for a long time; so I thought anyway. I truly thought I had a few more years ahead of me until I was faced with this.

It was last week that I realised I finally had to do the test. I'd been pushing the nagging thought that I may be pregnant to the back of my mind for as long as I possibly could. I didn't want to think that the man I loved - who hurt me more than any man ever has by leaving me- had fathered a baby that I wasn't sure I wanted or was ready for. Everyone on the wards assumed I was hung over when I was nauseous and tired. I didn't set them straight. It was easier to let them think that than to tell them I could be facing impending motherhood, or of course a termination of it. I even stupidly tried to ignore the symptoms. Pushing them away. Making them out to be anything else apart from the baby Dan and I had made. I didn't want to be pregnant. I was hoping it would all go away.

I knew deep down that I couldn't hide from it forever. Thinking of Sunny was what finally made me do the test. Remembering our sweet girl when she was just a baby and that baby smell that I used to breathe in deeply every time I held her, and the way it made me feel to hold such a tiny little human being. So just last week I sat in this exact same cubicle, once again in tears as the word pregnant appeared before my very eyes on the test I held in trembling hands. I was going to be a mum and I so didn't think that I was ready for it. How could I raise a baby on my own? How could I have the baby I made with a man who left me behind and broke my heart? How could I go through all of this on my own? How would I face everyone and tell them I was pregnant with Dan Clifford's baby and that I was going to raise it as a single mother because he wasn't here? What if I just wasn't mother material?

I wanted it over with. I wanted it gone. But I couldn't have the termination. I was going to phone and book one but I could never bring myself to dial the number. I loved Dan with all of my heart and the decision to terminate a baby which was partly his, no matter how much he hurt me wasn't one that I could make lightly. Still I couldn't help but wish it all away. Whether not able to bring myself to terminate or not, I still didn't think I was ready to be a mother.

The word 'pregnant' on that test scared me more than anything else has in my life. I couldn't imagine watching my tummy grow and knowing there was a baby inside it, feeling it kick and move, and bringing such a tiny little person into the world who was mine to love always. I drink, I love men, I love living for the moment and being a little bit wild. It would mean having to settle down and grow up a bit more. What if I can't do that? Why did this have to happen?

It looks like those wishes have been answered now. It very well may all be going away. My little baby may be losing its life inside me and soon it'll be like none of this has happened. Just like I wanted. What am I going to do?

What if this is my fault for not knowing that I wanted it so much? Maybe I would be a bad mother if I wasn't sure that I wanted my baby straight away. A good mother wouldn't have ignored the signs like I did. They wouldn't question whether they were ready. They wouldn't have even tried to pick up the phone to book a termination. Would they? Maybe fates telling me I'm not ready. That I'll have my baby when I am and this ones not meant to be. But another baby wouldn't be Dan's would it? Whether I have to do this alone or not, no matter how unsure I am of my capabilities and my readiness to be a mum, I really do want this baby so very much. It's his. I just didn't realise how much I wanted it until I came in here and saw that I may be losing it. It's part of me and the man I love. Even if he's gone how could I not want that? It's a little life.

I wipe my eyes with shaking hands and stand up. I pull down my trousers and boy shorts again and once more stare at the blood in them. There doesn't seem to be very much more there but still it terrifies me. Why is there blood? Am I being punished? Is it just not my time to be a mum? Or is this just a higher powers way of showing me how much I want the chance to feel my baby grow inside me and to be a mother after all?

I know I'm never going to find out by staying shut in this cubicle all day. I know I need help. I shakily pull my trousers and shorts back up and undo the cubicle door with my trembling hands. I make my way out of the toilet and walk through the ward as if in a daze, my lab coat pulled tightly around me and tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't want everyone to see me vulnerable. I don't want them to see me so scared but I can't help but feel both and I can't stop the tears. I want Dan so much but he's not here and so I make my way to maternity alone, the eyes of my colleagues burning into my back as I leave them and embark on what will undoubtedly be the longest lift ride of my life.


	2. Chapter 2

Only fifteen minutes later I am laying on a bed in a Maternity side room, my lab coat strewn haphazardly over the bottom of the bed and my t shirt rolled up to expose my still flat stomach. The sonographer stands beside me, covering the wand of the ultrasound machine with jelly and then placing it on my stomach over the place which houses my unborn child.

As she moves the wand I turn away from the screen and close my eyes tightly. I can't watch. Up until today there's been a baby inside my womb. What if I look at the screen and it's no longer there? What if the blood means that my baby has died? Is it because I didn't want it enough when I first saw that positive test? I just can't bring myself to look.

The room seems so silent and that silence is more deafening than any amount of noise. I can hear the blood pulsing in my veins from the fear that's consuming me right now for my child. It's as loud as a drum. And the room….they need to make it brighter too I think. Not so claustrophobic and cold. There must be so many mothers to be who get bad news in these rooms. They need to do something to stop the mind numbing silence and the walls closing from in. Why is this happening? What did my baby do to deserve this?

The gel is cold on my tummy and I feel her moving the wand around over the place where my bump would eventually grow, the coldness spreading as the gel moves under it. This is taking an eternity. It feels like time has slowed. There must be so many mums who wish they could stay in this moment forever, watching their so wanted babies on that ultrasound screen, but if my baby's gone I want it over now. I can't take much more of this.

"Congratulations Maddy. You're carrying a perfectly healthy little baby."

My heart skips a beat when I hear those words come from the mouth of the woman standing at my side. I exhale a breath I didn't even know that I'd been holding and tears of relief flow freely from the eyes I still can't bring myself to open for fear this is all a dream.

"What? My baby's all right?" I ask her tearfully.

Finally I open my eyes and look over at the screen. I see the minute form of our unborn child pictured on it, still safe and sound inside of me. I watch the screen open mouthed, unable to take my eyes off the little blob that is my baby and for the first time in what seems like a long time I smile.

"Your baby's fine. You're almost eleven weeks pregnant. You see that white flicker?" She asks me, pointing to the screen.

I nod, still staring with my mouth gaping at the child on the screen. It's really inside of me. I really am a mummy.

"That's its heartbeat. Strong and regular. Everything's perfect." she reassures me, freezing my baby's image on the screen and removing the wand.

"I was so sure I was losing it…" I tell her quietly. "The bleeding was…"

"Some women do experience spotting early on and continue to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy. You're one of these women. Any bleeding should be checked over so you did the right thing by coming, but you are fine Maddy. Mother and baby are both perfectly healthy." she reassures me.

I nod tearfully; unable to look away from the image.

"Is this your first baby?" She asks me, handing me some paper towels to clean my stomach with.

I take them and rub the gel off gently, scared in some irrational way that I may hurt the baby if I rub too hard, especially after the bleeding today. I realised just how fragile a pregnancy can be when I was sat trembling in that cubicle. I'll never consider terminating something so precious again just because I may be alone and scared. I nod, both hands resting over my bare belly as I watch the screen with tears rolling down my cheeks.

"It's all very overwhelming. Especially if you have a scare." She comments, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

I nod. I feel as though I'm a teenager being counselled, but I was in such a state when I first came here that I can't blame her for talking through it all with me. I would if I was in her position. I know that I need this.

"Was this an unexpected pregnancy?" She then asks me.

I nod again, unable to look at her. Can she tell that I had so many doubts and thought about terminating my pregnancy? Can she see the guilt that I feel over being so unsure about something obviously so precious to me now? Is it that obvious?

"Very unexpected. Probably the most unexpected thing that could possibly have happened." I admit to her.

I think of Dan and of the way that he made me feel. How happy he made me. How much I wanted to hold him and wanted him to hold me. How safe he made me feel. How I wanted him to make me his. I remember every moment we spent together and how comfortable it felt. How right it felt to have him at my side. Then I remember him driving away and how absolutely shattered I felt when I realised he was never coming back. Yes, discovering I'm pregnant with the baby of the man I love but who also tore me to pieces is most definitely the most unexpected thing that could have happened, as is my decision to raise this beautiful baby alone.

"And is the father around?"

"No." I admit and sobs overcome me as I think of Dan leaving me again. It then occurs to me that I was pregnant with this baby when he was still here and that makes my heart leap into my throat. This baby had its father at the very beginning of its life and we didn't even know that I was carrying it. Would it have made a difference if we'd have known about the baby? Would he still have left me? Our baby was inside me when he was still here. Would we have been a family if I'd have done the test and we'd decided together to keep our child? But then he still chose to go. He chose to go over staying here with me. I wasn't enough for him and he couldn't give me what I wanted. If he had stayed it would only have been for the baby. It would never have been because I was enough. He left me without knowing I was carrying our baby. God that thought hurts. My stomach heaves and I lean over the bed and am sick.

"I'm sorry." I tell her embarrassed, wiping my mouth with one of the paper towels that lays on the bed.

"Happens all the time." She reassures me. "Don't even worry about it."

I sit quietly for a minute playing with a loose strand of cotton on my t-shirt.

"Did you want to talk to someone about your options?" She then asks me, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I shake my head and look back at my baby on the screen. I think of the fear that I felt when I saw the blood and the utter helplessness. I think of the love that I have for Dan. I think of the love and the awe I felt looking at our baby on that screen for the first time, knowing it was safe and sound and healthy and I know that I can do this.

"No. I need to talk to someone about antenatal appointments, precautions I need to take at work. That kind of thing. I can't not have this baby. I'm a mummy now. I don't want that to go away anymore."

The sonographer nods and smiles.

"I can arrange that. In the meantime I'm going to print you off a picture of your little one and then I suggest you go home and relax if you can. This is a lot to have happen in one day."

"You're telling me." I reply, watching as she prints off a photo of our little blob and thinking of how amazing it is that a little person is inside of me right at this very second.

She hands me the photo and I trace a finger over the shape of my baby. I can't help but smile.

"Let me go and get you a few leaflets and we'll get you sorted for your next ultrasound and antenatal appointments. Congratulations Maddy." She says again, smiling warmly as she leaves me with my thoughts.

I sit there quietly for a moment and my gaze falls first to my stomach and then to the image in my hands.

"Hello baby. I'm your mummy." I whisper to the little blob inside my belly, placing a hand over my tummy. "And I am so glad that you're okay."


	3. Chapter 3

I sit on the grass watching the sun make patterns on the water which twinkles like thousands of diamonds under the bright light of day.

Dan and I used to come here a lot. It was our place. The place we came when we wanted to focus on nothing but each other. It's so peaceful. So beautiful. I have so many memories of sitting here snuggled up with him under the starlight, or lying together on a blanket in the sunshine musing about the shapes of the clouds. We used to sit for hours, arms entwined, or bodies entwined and just talk about anything and everything here, watching the birds and the butterflies as we talked and the children playing in the park.

I never felt I could open up to anyone as much as I could to Dan. He never judged me, he may have teased but he always understood me. He knew me better than I knew myself. I miss that so much. It was like he was my home. I only wish that I had been his home because if I was…things would be so different right now.

I look down at my Ipod and smile as my baby's ultrasound image appears on the screen. I wanted the photo close to me. I wanted to be able to look at it every day and remember how awful it felt to think motherhood was slipping away from me every second. I wanted to remember it so that I never take this pregnancy for granted again because inside of me is my little blob who needs its mummy's protection and care. I put the baby's image on here where it would be close to me every day, and as my tummy grows with my baby I will add to this image until all the photos are on here. Then I can look back and think how blessed I am that yesterday wasn't the end of this little piece of Dan and I.

I didn't mean to end up here, at our place. I wanted to get out of the hospital and away from home. I wanted to spend some time away from everything, and to let myself come to terms with impending motherhood and yesterday's events. I also just wanted to spend some time with my baby. It sounds silly I know, my baby is just eleven weeks old inside my womb, but after nearly losing it and actually seeing its image on that screen and its tiny heart beating, I just wanted some time on my own to indulge my thoughts of motherhood away from everything else familiar. So I got in the car and I drove until I found myself here, and sitting here with my baby inside of me, I don't think this place has ever been so beautiful.

I take my headphones out of my ears and lay my Ipod on the grass. I listen to the birds singing and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees and I truly feel at peace. The doubts over having this baby have never seemed as far away as they do now. Instead of worrying about raising it alone and whether or not I'm too young and selfish to be a good mummy I'm excited and thinking about the first time I'll get to feel my baby kick and move inside me, how excited I'll be to watch my stomach grow knowing that inside me is my little blob growing and developing every single day. I think about how I can't wait to hold my child in my arms, breastfeed it and sing it to sleep. There are so many things that I'm looking forward to and in a way I'm thankful that such a scare happened because it really did put everything into perspective. If it hadn't have happened I would still be in denial and running scared.

I put a hand over my tummy and smile as I watch two little girls playing together in the park. My fingers close protectively over the place where my bump will soon start to show and I wonder as I watch them whether it's a little boy or little girl inside of me. I find that I have butterflies in my tummy when I think of the day that I will be able to bring my own little toddler here to play. My little boy with his curly brown locks, dark eyes and his daddy's smile, or my little girl with her dark ringlets and eyes and the cheeky smile that she inherited off me. Without a doubt I know that either of them would have their daddy wrapped around their little finger if he was here.

As I watch the children an overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me regarding all of the doubts that I first had about the baby. I was so scared. I felt so helpless, and I truly didn't think that I was ready to be a mum. All I could think about was that I wasn't ready. I couldn't raise a baby that I made with a man who left me, let alone one who I love more than anything and whose departure broke every piece of my heart. I really didn't think I could raise a baby on my own either. I'm not always the most responsible person and at times I would definitely say that I'm not a very good role model. How would I be able to care for a child when at times I'm still like a child myself? A termination was my only option. I just had to get up the courage to do it.

The very minute I saw that blood though, the second I saw those spots, I just knew that every fear and every doubt had gone out of the window. It was my flesh and blood that I thought I was losing. A tiny, defenceless unborn baby. It didn't matter any more that I wasn't ready. It didn't matter that it was unexpected or that I thought I had a lot more to do in life before having a child of my own. It didn't even matter that I would have to grow up. All that mattered was that this was a baby I made with the man I loved and I knew that I would never have been able to bear it if it was stolen away from me and my chance at motherhood to Dan's baby was cruelly ripped away with it.

I think of the sense of awe and the surge of love that I felt when I first looked at the ultrasound monitor and saw my young unborn baby's beating heart. I think of that little heart beating inside of me right at this very second and I hold onto my stomach tightly. I am so ready to be a mother to this child. Who would have even thought it?

"Hey there baby it's mummy." I find myself saying, looking down at my tummy. I feel a bit silly talking out loud to the tiny child that's inside me, who no-one even knows about but me, but there's so much going on in my head right now that I need to say it out loud. I need to say it for my baby.

"I'm guessing I look like a complete idiot talking to what looks like myself in the middle of this park, but they don't know that you're here. I do however so that's okay. I know I'm talking to my little blob rather than being completely insane. I just wanted to say sorry baby. I am so, so sorry that the start of your life inside me was a start where I was scared and full of doubt about whether or not I could be a good mummy to you or even bring you in to the world."

I rub my tummy in circular motions with my fingertips through my shirt and I can feel tears slipping down my cheeks as guilt continues to well up inside of me. I pull my hat down so my eyes are shaded from passers by and continue to let myself cry.

"But I want you to know that you are wanted, and you are so loved. I'm not sure yet whether I'm going to tell your daddy about you, at least not just now…but I want you to know that he is a lovely man who would adore you. He just didn't adore mummy enough to…anyway you have a daddy who mummy loves very, very much and even though he may not be here…"

The tears fall harder as I talk to my baby about the lack of its father in my life. It still hurts me so badly that he's not here. Why wasn't I enough for him to stay with me? I loved him so much. We could have been getting ready to be a family. I really could have done with his support when I was shut away in the toilet faced with that blood, but instead he chose life without me. Now I'm alone with our child in my tummy, and suffering with morning sickness and exhaustion. I'm all alone, loving our baby for both of us.

"Even though he may not be here," I repeat tearfully "I will always tell you about your daddy because he's very special to me…especially because he gave me you. I will always love him extra for that. I don't know what I would have done if I'd have lost you little blob. I never thought I could be a mum for a long time. I really didn't think I was ready. But I really could have lost you…and the thought of losing you was the scariest moment of my life. I may not be perfect, but I will be a good mummy I will never let you down like I did Sunny. Never. You're part of me and Dan…either an extremely handsome and cheeky little man, or a curly haired, dark eyed, feisty little lady. I'm so ready to carry you for nine hard months so I get to spend the rest of my life getting to know you." I tell my child.

A smile creeps on to my lips as I realise I really can't wait. I really am a mummy now and I really am excited about everything. Getting bigger, feeling him or her move and kick, seeing my scans and watching the baby grow every time I have one, giving birth, being there as it learns to walk and says its first words, all of those things. I just can't wait to have this little person around that I get to read to, sing to, tuck into bed and take care of. I'm so lucky. How could I ever have thought about throwing it all away just because I was terrified and hurt?

As I think about all of the unexpected things that are now written in my future I can't help but think of Dan once again. I'm carrying his child and no matter how much he hurt me shouldn't he have a right to know about the baby? About the scare that I had yesterday where I really needed someone's support but had to go through the bleeding and the worry alone? Shouldn't he be told that frightened or not and whether he's here or not I'm having his child? The little one whose heart is already beating inside me and who I would do anything to protect?

I would never make Dan come back. I would never want him to be with someone he doesn't love enough just for the sake of an accidental baby that neither of us were planning on. I know I can do this on my own and no matter how much I would love to be with him and for this to be our own little family, I don't expect him to come running back to us. I know him. He'd only get bored if he wasn't where he truly wanted to be and I wouldn't want our child to have a daddy who doesn't love its mummy enough for him to be truly happy, whether he was here and loved the child to bits or not. It's not my kind of thing to be in a loveless relationship that doesn't work both ways, especially not when my baby's involved.

That's still such a strange thing for me to think. My baby. I wonder what everyone at the hospital will say when I finally decide to tell them. How am I even going to tell them? Maybe I should just tell Donna. It'll probably have gotten round the whole hospital by lunch time and will save me the trouble. By the time everyone gets to ask me about it, they'll already be used to the news. Who am I kidding though? I'm not even used to the news. I may have decided to keep my little blob, but that doesn't mean that the shock of impending motherhood has worn off yet. I can just imagine all of their faces and what they'll have to say. Maddy, a mother? But she's still so young. She's still a mess over Dan leaving. She's not responsible enough. She's really not ready. They don't know just how ready I am. I need this baby more than they will ever know and I am determined to be a damn good mother. I loved Sunny from the minute that she was born. I love children. This one is my own flesh and blood and there isn't anyone who could love it any more than I already do…except maybe its daddy.

I sigh. He really does deserve to know.

I look at the photo of the scan that I have placed on my Ipod once more and I smile. Keeping one hand on my tummy I pick up my phone with the other shaking hand and scroll through the phonebook. I settle on his number and after a moment's hesitation I press the button to phone.

I sit for what seems like an eternity as the phone rings and as seconds pass I feel even more scared. I am jolted back to reality when I hear his voice.

"Dan…hi it's me. I'm good thank you…I just….I have something totally crazy to tell you…Something that I think you deserve to know..."

And here begins the first day of the rest of my life. My life as a new MaddyYoung. My life as a mummy.

The End. 


End file.
